Too long…
Walt says:
Too long wandering the mind’s labyrinth, disembodied, and afraid to feel. Too long wandering the spiritual path, trying to get somewhere else, somewhere “better”. Too long trying to fix, control, improve, enlighten. Too long on the road. Too long.
Is there a better place, free from pain, gone from sorrow? When will I get there? How will I know it? Maybe I will have arrived at this place when I finally get that there is no arriving–that there is only the journey, a journey that never began, and will never end.
I was on a delivery job this week, and while driving I felt very tangibly that I was already where I was going. I was both on my way and, already there. This helped me to grok the simultaneity of the Infinite and the Finite. Being both is neither rational nor irrational. It is non-rational. It seems to flame forth from the heart and expand more and more as I lean into it until nothing is excluded.
I am beginning to glimpse a wisdom of the Heart that the mind cannot even imagine. And the more I feel into this wisdom, the more I trust it. It tells me I have felt this deep yearning, this aching nostalgia too long for a home I never left. It tells me that I must be this “better place” for myself, that the one I am looking for is the One who is breathing me, and that I must wake up to the One so I may truly celebrate the Many.
It feels good to breathe all this in. I am emboldened by this heartful daring to include all my feelings, every piece of the puzzle, no matter how jagged or seemingly out of place. To take them all in and say, “Yes, you are the dark part of me which will reveal the light that shines through the broken places. I will include you too, and in that including, my broken wholeness will be revealed.”
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When you “finally get that there is no arriving.” Yes. Doesn’t that mean that everything you’ve been working for and trying to do has been for naught? That the point of working is not to accomplish?
Comment by Dave February 8, 2010 @ 8:45 pmWhen I am able to breath in this space I feel very free. I have not been as successful as expected in accomplishing the things it seems I should be able to do, in spite of being very disciplined and accomplished. There is always something more I could have done. So when I duck out of earshot of those Shoulds, I note the peaceful quiet. They are out there, looking for me, but now I occasionally know life without them.
I start to let go of that motivation to accomplish; to do; to succeed. The patterns of striving fall away and the internal voices berating me for not pushing hard enough begin to quiet. But without them, it’s like visiting a foreign country where nothing makes sense. Can’t even tell if the secret police are watching me. I don’t know the rules in this country: how do I find my way around? Can I work here? Is it OK to date the natives? Will I ever go home again?
No, I won’t ever go home again I suspect. My heart has lead me here too. Guess I’ll have to learn how to live in this new country. Hope they have good sausages.
Does the Heart tell you what to do in this new land, or is it more a travel agent, sending you there with a wave and a smile? Is this some kind of a joke? Feels like the devil I don’t know. Can I get a refund? No, I guess not.
It does feel good at times to breath all this in. What a grand adventure! What a rotten thrill. May your Heart serve you. May it be your companion now on your never ending journey.
For me, to ‘finally getting that there is no arriving’ is to walk my path without an agenda. If I step onto my path with a fixed idea of what my destination will look like, then I’ve negated the purpose of the spiritual journey with that very thought. My very first step will be awkward at best, even crippling if I persist in my projections. As Krishnamurti used to say, ‘the way you begin is the way you end.’ I find the whole wondrous, stumbling, hither and yon journey easier to travel when I bear in mind that there is no going out and there is no returning, and yet, “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!” The show goes on, and willy nilly, I go with it.
You’re right. This is a new world, a whole new country. But (dare I say it) this is no country for old men–as in old hopes, old ways of being. That’s why I have to depend on my heart more and more. My mind just has no idea, or rather, it has every idea, but nary a clue. I’ve noticed that if my mind can’t control something, it wants nothing to do with it. Too bad. The mind could be really helpful if it would just cut out all the goose-steppin’ bullshit.
With the Heart there aren’t a lot of directives or ultimatums–too confining. There is just guidance, if desired, and lots of room for whatever follows or falls. It’s the kind of room that’s filled with a gentle, ‘I’ll catch you if you fall space.’ So there’s room to err without all the searing, self-hating voices trying to shear off my backside with a blunt object. I like it in this Heart-space. I return to it as often as I can remember to. The door is never closed. Never a hint of ‘you’re not welcome here.’ What a tender relief. And there’s lots of room for others as well. That’s different. It used to be such a tight, ungodly squeeze, everywhere….
Thanks for writing, Dave. Journey well.
P.S. The devil you don’t know may turn out to be the angel you’ve so yearned for.
P.P.S. I have found good sausages here. But then, I only eat the veggie kind, so what do I know about anything real?
Comment by Walt February 11, 2010 @ 12:27 amIf the mind cut out its bullshit, what would if be helpful *with*? Who or what would be in control? Would we drift like wood in the water, or be guided by something unknown, manifest in the heart?
Comment by Dave February 15, 2010 @ 1:20 pmI enjoy visiting the land of the heart from my home in the head, but before the mind will allow me to take up residence there it wants to know what to bring along: money? clothes? food? (read: skills? practices? disciplines?) Is it just a leap of faith that all will be well? Why does the journey go to the heart? What if I accidentally leap (or fall) backwards?
Wow. I wish I had the answers to these questions. And I don’t. I only have my own experience. I intuit that my heart is my source and my destination–and when I’m fortunate enough to remember–my path for getting there. It’s really a strange and beautiful and infuriating thing, this deep longing for what I already have.
Whenever I try to put these feelings and intuitions into words, I start to lose the feeling because I have to go back into my head to find the words. Whenever I try to stand in both worlds I lose my balance. I’m still finding my way here, inch by uphill inch. I know the mind can be useful, but it never has enough. It is conditioned and narrow and sly and convoluted and oh so unmerciful. Haven’t you noticed? Or is it just me? Perhaps my experience is not universal. Perhaps some folks really do feel at home in their minds. What I feel there is terror and sorrow and rage rage rage. How can I trust that which stabs me in the back and the heart simultaneously?
I don’t think the journey must go through the heart for everyone. I do think it’s a shortcut. We have so much wounding, so many broken, fragmented places that control us from underground. Built on these emotional fault lines, it’s really no wonder that we have so little stability and mental clarity. These fault lines are waiting to be healed. But we cannot heal them because we’re too busy finding fault with them. We give them very little room for expression. They’re scary to put it mildly. That’s why I find myself leaning more and more into the heart. If I need more room, why not turn towards that which is so often characterized as spacious and unconditional? Why rely on the mind to heal what it can’t even be with?
And yes, there are times when we will take a fall. It’s going to happen. So why not take the fall in a place that will provide for a softer landing and support us in getting back on our feet? I do not mean to imply that the heart is some kind of magical panacea. But it is real (at least as real as love is) and that’s not a bad place to start…or finish.
Comment by Walt February 15, 2010 @ 11:05 pm